Move On With Your Life

During one of my life transitions, I would often lament that my life was not "normal, like everyone else's," to which a wise friend would always quickly retort, "Honey, 'normal' is just a setting on your dryer. Move on with your life."

This little bit of wisdom help me continue through many a difficult decision and past numerous personal doubts. But today I was listening to a piece on All Things Considered that made me realize that sometimes we do need something more than that to make the thought shift from some experience we've had back to what our mind can comprehend as "normal". The poet being interviewed was travelling the world on a scholarship researching ceremonies for warriors and soldiers returning from war. He noted that in places like Greece, Vietnam, and even among the Sioux Indians, communities would often stop their warriors on the outskirts of "town" and perform rituals for them. While he did not go into detail, I imagine that these rituals were designed to help their battle-weary citizens shed the burdens of what they had seen and what they had been exposed to and required to do during their long fights. I see them as most likely ceremonies bestowing gratitude, forgiveness and acceptance back into the fold of everyday life.

We see less of it today as we civilians are so detached from the wars our soldiers fight in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places. It certainly did not happen for those returning to America from Vietnam or Korea. They experienced nothing like the block parties encountered by or World War II vets.

Today, there was a parade in downtown Nashville in honor of Veteran's day. For my part, I was busy driving my father to the airport and planning my dinner to stop for that. I now wish I would have gone. So, I am taking a moment here, to honor them and say they are welcome.

This idea of ceremony also struck me as something greatly beneficial that is not practiced much in our society today. When I was growing up, second-generation to immigrants from Italy in a devote Catholic family, our ceremonies revolved primarily around the Church and they were glorious. They were symbolic, comforting, and instilled a sense of security. I broke with the Catholic church for many reasons, but I still miss the ceremony and often lament that my children do not know about, much less partake in, these rituals.

Still, as new generations grow, we can still create our own rituals. In fact, I thought to myself after listening to this particular segment, that there should be a ritual for cancer patients like myself who have been to battle with the disease and are ready to re-enter civilization once again.
November 30th will be the two year anniversary of my bone marrow transplant. I have now been trying to re-enter civilization for the same amount of time that I fought for my life in hospitals, taking on chemo, radiation, and the injection of a new immune system. It's a strangely lonely feeling when the doctor says, "You don't need to come see us for another year," when your daily routine has revolved for so long around doctor visits, blood draws, medical tests and medications of endless types.

For the most part, I have moved on. I am like that. I am a survivor and it is something I do better than anything else - survive. I have worked hard to sweep away the past few years and move on with my life where I left off. I have no resentment about it. I am not looking for special treatment. In fact, not getting special treatment is something I long for. Still, I can see how a ritual of some kind delineating that part of my life from this, might help alleviate the deep-seeded trauma from an experience that I neither wanted nor asked for but was forced to deal with.

What would that ritual be?

Employer...I Am Here!

Again, it's been a while since my last post. The truth is, I've been contemplating taking down the blog, but providence seems to want me to follow another path. So tonight I re-commit to sharing my journey with anyone interested in joining me.

Slowly, I have been attempting to re-enter the job market. My fear that some employer would Google me and get the inside scoop on my recent personal health challenges (or my personal life in general) was the main catalyst for my growing silence since January. Even though I am in full remission, I know there are many individuals that would see my past health issues as a red flag and end the recruitment process right there. Finding a job right now is hard enough without giving potential employers ammunition to shoot me down. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

But re-entering the job market has also prompted me to take a look at my personal desires and goals as they relate to the rest of the world. In short, it's allowed me to ponder the question, "What is my purpose?"

At a recent wine and cheese event, I was blessed with an answer through a kind individual's insightful comment. After talking with me for a few minutes, this gentleman said, "It seems like you are a person who lives your life with intention."

Wow! That was the greatest compliment I believe I have ever received and one that I was proud to accept as very appropriate. "Living with Intention" is one of the most valuable gifts I've received from my experience of the last two-plus years. Let's face it, we're all going to die. I may have a better idea of what might take me. And, I may have veered closer than most to the precipus in recent years. But, at this time, I am no more likely to go over that cliff than anyone else regardless of what some ignorant individual may think.

So, to all those potential employers who may find this blog through Google or other means and believe my bout with cancer to be a problem, hear this:

• My intention is to wake up every morning and be the best I can be. If I work for you, that means that I work everyday to serve you as best I can because I am grateful for every minute of opportunity I have to contribute something more to this world.


• My goal is to continually grow as a person relating to other people.


• Whatever I set my mind to, I will achieve.
  
• You will not find a more dedicated, hard-working, talented and loyal employee.

I don't believe I need to wear my cancer experience around my neck like a badge that defines me. Nor do I believe that I need to completely deny it. My intention is to use the lessons learned during my treatment as I continue to live my life, serve those around me, grow everyday, and try to give back some of what's been given to me.

That makes me the best employee you'll ever have.

Why So Fast?

Wow! I knew it had been some time since my last post but I didn't realize two months had already passed. Time...like water just keeps running.

Today I had one of those glorious days that feels like it just rolls on forever. Quietly, peacefully, with no rush to any thought, action or movement. It was 70 degrees and sunny with a splendid little breeze and it lingered way into the night hours. I accomplished an amazing number of tasks - attended Joseph's soccer game (which they won), cleaned up my office, talked to lots of friends and family, found a wonderful buy in a studio table that's larger, more sturdy and fits fatastic in my studio, made stir-fry, planted seeds with Joseph for our garden, and more. All with what felt like little or no effort. Just the joy of benig in the present.

Since January, I have been making a concerted effort to re-enter the job market. My first step in this process is to get certified as a Professional Project Manager. It's a rigourous process, involving a lengthy application in which you must quantify about 4500 hours of Project Management, fulfill continuing education requirements and, finally, pass an exam. The exam is not easy, but I'm confident I'll pass.

I had wanted to schedule to sit my exam March 4, but the earliest date available was March 24. That played havock because I was hoping to take the boys on one last Spring Break before Jeremy graduates and I would have to wait to take the exam unti after I returned. Who can relax on the beach with a major test looming over them? My hat's off to them, because it wouldn't be me.

But as providence would have it, I came down with a flu the third week of February and by that Thursday, I was in the hospital with pneumonia. I just returned home this Thursday and I'm hoping to stay here. I've got a little catching up to do on my studies, but I hope to start concentrating back on that soon. I DO intend to pass.

That should help me out in this job market and it will be exciting to get back to work. So, with that small update, another beautiful day in the forecast for tomorrow and peace in my heart, I wish you to slow down, be in the moment, and love your day.

A New Year and A New Beginning

Since my one year anniversary, I have conspicuously avoided writing on this site. And I've also spent a lot of time wondering why I was doing so. I can provide lots of excuses - the holidays, life in general, colds - mine and those of my kids - visitors. But the truth is that I don't want to admit to what I'm going through.

Lately, I have been reading The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. I'm sure that there are a number of spiritual lessons in the book that I missed, but one did call to me. That one was the need to eliminate self-punishment and try to love myself as God loves me; wastefully, with complete forgiveness and complete understanding. The reward for doing so is achieving my dreams. The immediate result of doing so is being able to live in the present without the chatter of "Monkey Mind" or "Second Mind" constantly keeping me from being present in my own life. I was also reminded that one of the easiest ways to achieve my dreams is to be sure that I dedicate the time that I do have to what's really important to me - not the tv that's in front of me or the nap that allows me to escape.

Today, I went to church for the first time in nearly a year. And, as serendipity would have it, the message was about living deliberately. Today, no matter what happens, I choose my thoughts, I choose my actions, I choose to be me. The sermon included a meditation in which we opened ourselves up and waited to accept our new names from God as we agreed to be released from the bondage of ourselves. I have to tell you that I really didn't believe I would hear anything. I really felt like I was still just releasing the white-knuckled "bravery" I've been using as a front for the past year. Since New Year's Even, I have just been glad to find a quiet spiritual place and feel the rest that comes from letting go. So, I didn't expect to connect with the now. But I did. I heard my new name - loud and clear - and it is absolutely perfect. My spiritual name is between me and God, but the big message here is that in this major time of change, I have found the support that I need to move forward without fear, shame, or self-punishment.

I am a pretty energetic, type-A person. I think I should be farther ahead of where I am and better than I am...no matter where I am. Coming back from a Bone Marrow Transplant is no different in my mind. These recent personal revelations remind me that I am perfect just the way I am and that I can move gently and with grace toward my goals. It's such a precious message, particularly as I try to come to peace with the reality that this cancer could come back at any time; a reminder I see every day as I follow fellow cancer survivors.

This is my New Year wish...That my friends see themselves as the perfect children of God they are. That they believe that their dreams can come true. That they give themselves permission to achieve those dreams. That they treat themselves gently and with grace as I celebrate who they are. And that they know that God is always with them.

Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary...

Haaapppy Anniversary! Today is the one year anniversary of my bone marrow transplant!

That's right! One whole year. And it has been a long one. As you can see, my posts have become more and more interspersed as the year has gone on. I've thought about ending it completely. After all, I'm off nearly all auto-immune meds, I won't be returning to the clinic again for another three months, my bone marrow biopsy came out clean and I've started my immunizations.

Having recovered from most of the physical aspects of the transplant, I have only recently begun to face forward and re-enter the work world. No more "special treatment" for me. I am someone currently without cancer - just like most everyone else out there. Until it returns - if it returns - I am "normal". I could be "normal" the rest of my life. Or, at some time, I could get cancer again. Of course, so could anyone else around me.

Of course, I'm also someone who once had cancer. And, I have to figure out how to enter an already rough job market after fighting for my life for the last two years. How do I deal with disability, insurance, interviews? What will it be like to go back to 40 hours a week? These are the things I've been dreading even more than any physical traumas. For that reason, I think I'll keep this blog going for a while longer. I think re-entering life is another important part of recovery and survival.

So, while I figure this out, enjoy some of our most recent photos of Thanksgiving. The first is us doing our second annual five-mile walk at "The Boulevard Bolt" on Thanskgiving morning. Then me, my mom, and Sophie putting up Christmas decorations. It was a wonderful holiday.

Fighting Cancer on Lots of Fronts

It was great to see the Nashville Predators beat the Los Angeles Kings Saturday 4-5 on Hockey Fights Cancer Night. The Preds raised more than $6,000 for the Leaukemia & Lymphoma Society and we all had a lot of fun. You can see me waving at the crowd in the short clip they created.

Tonight we are all watching the Titans play Indianapolis. Right now our Titans are undefeated so it's a big game. The rest of the week will be spent going slower than usual and getting ready for Halloween.

Saturday I'm going to talk to some people who are raising money through The LLS Team in Training groups. They swim, run, walk and triath (?) to raise money for cancer research.

Next month, I'll start getting my immunizations. Whoopi!

ZAMBONI!

Hey y'all. Well it seems like once a month is fitting into my schedule as far as updating, but it's a wonderful, busy life and I need to enjoy every minute. I've actually been in the hospital since Saturday as I started running a fever Friday night. It really turned out to be just a virus or something (they never really did find anything) and I was there longer than I thought I would be, but I was glad to get out today.

BUT, we've been the recipients of a lot of neat stuff as a result of my cancer too. In August we wen to the Professional Bull Rider's Association Rodeo, in September we did a pre-season Predators hockey game and the circus, and now we've got tickets for a regular season Preds game against the Los Angeles Kings. AND the best part is I get to ride the Zamboni!!! How COOL is THAT!?!! Man, I can't wait. So look for me on your sports channels Saturday night doing the princess wave from the ice machine in the Nashville area. It's a great way to ring in the last month of my first year. N ice and smooth.